Hey everyone! I hope everyone has a good start to Autumn! Life has been so busy, getting used to Dallas, working away, and playing with my dog. So I haven’t done a essay in awhile but I think it is time to do one again…so last week I went to a wedding in Austin and from the beginning I had to talk myself to go to it. Over the past few years I have developed “social anxiety.” I became so focused on my career, and addition to some personal things that happened in my life that I became a bit of a hermit. And now when I have to be around big groups of people especially Indians I tend to find myself start to get extremely anxious and agitated.
Life changes, our bodies change, as we get older things that used to matter don’t seem to be significant anymore. I can’t believe I am being this honest on my blog but I have gained 20 pounds which means I don’t feel as beautiful as I did when I was younger. Throughout the whole wedding all I could focus on is how unattractive I felt. I kept telling myself what man would ever fall in love with someone as ugly as me? The whole weekend I kept comparing myself to everyone else telling myself how ugly I was, how I should not have cut my hair, how I wasn’t good enough for any Indian man, and that my own parents shouldn’t love me. After the wedding I was back in my apartment and laying in bed and was thinking to myself and couldn’t stop thinking to myself why do I always have to be so hard on myself?
I have always felt so inadequate to Indian people..for some reason whenever I get around them I feel my confidence shrink, my strength disappears, and my voice becomes silent. I am not by any means blaming my race..but maybe it is the way Asians raise their kids to be these perfect human beings who get over educated, marry these perfect humans, and give birth to these genius babies. But what if I don’t want that for myself? I just want to be who I am meant to be. A bit messy, curvy, emotional, artistic, her dad is her best friend, and is very guarded. I know I have a good heart, I’m a loyal friend; peaceful woman, career orientated, close to my family, educated and a bit funny. But when I get around Indian people for some reason all that fades away and I can’t help but feel all those people are looking down on me. I never want to raise my kids to think they are better than anyone just because of a certain degree they have, or how pretty they are, or just because their mother raised to turn up their noses to others.
As I laid in bed the other night I was so mad at myself..how dare I let anyone make me feel less than I am? I am a creative woman, I am successful, I work for very hard, create beautiful pieces, and manage a big team and if that isn’t good enough for an Indian man then why do I seem to keep wasting my time on men like that? I learned so much at Fashion School and I refuse to let anyone tell me that isn’t good enough. We are all beautiful and smart in our ways. My weight gain doesn’t define me, I have always been very curvy do I love these new additional curves? No. Will I get myself toned again? Yes. Do I need to beat myself up all the time because of it ? No. Our bodies are so beautiful, we come in so many different shapes and sizes. Whatever size you are..OWN IT and LOVE IT! Shit I used to be a size Double 0 now I am a size 4 and I am going to enjoy it! Society is going to tell us so many things but we have to believe in our hearts and not let the negative energy surround us. When I turned 30 I felt so pathetic for still being single but for what reason?! I want to start enjoying my life again, I am still awesome, funny, make money and so what if I don’t have a man on my arm? Someday I will and when that day comes we will BOTH appreciate that we finally met our true best friend.
When I have a daughter I want to motivate her, I want to push her to be her best self, I want to guide her to find her true soul. I am so thankful that I have people in my life that are doing that for me. I don’t want her to ever turn 30 and feel so bad about herself if she isn’t married! Shit being married doesn’t make you better than anyone else! Look I believe marriage is a beautiful thing but it does not give anyone the right to look down on anyone else. You are blessed, enjoy that but never make someone feel less than because you have a ring on your finger.
I have clearly hit a rut in my journey but I know I will find my way again. I can’t continue to be so hard on myself or I will never be able to become the best version of myself. We all have chapters in our life some good, some we wish we could forget, but the best ones are the ones that teach us lessons that last us a lifetime. I am still learning about myself, making memories with my loved ones, working hard at my career, and dreaming that one day my one and only finds me and we will write our own love story!
Love, Sunder Soloni Behl
“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Confucius
“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” -Amy Bloom
“Hearts will break and people will hurt you, darling.” Her mother said. “But when you let those people control your outlook on the life, you only allow them to have a greater hold on your happiness. Once you accept the fact that every day is a new day to begin again, life becomes a much easier path to walk.” -Courtney Giardina
“You must know what you want, to find what you want.” -Lailah Gifty Akita